Friday, March 31, 2006

Is it Karl Rove?

NEW YORK March 31 - Americans question the ability of the United States to create democracy in other countries, and are divided on whether successful efforts could even make the U.S. safer, according to a poll released Thursday.

Only 36 percent of those surveyed by the Public Agenda Confidence in U.S. Foreign Policy Index believe the U.S. can help spread democracy — a major objective for the Bush administration in Iraq and throughout the Middle East.

On the other hand, only 32 percent knew what foreign policy was, and 24 percent knew the name of our current Vice President. Luckily, 88 percent were able to tell them who was likely to win American Idol this season.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

All fore one ... and one fore all

WASHINGTON, March 29 — The Senate today overwhelmingly passed its first lobbying restrictions in 11 years, but the measure was so pared down that some of the biggest advocates for tightening the rules were still not satisfied.

"It's very, very weak," said Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona. Mr. McCain predicted that there would be more indictments growing out of the investigation into political corruption, and said that such a development would lead Congress to revisit the issue again.

They will definitely revisit this important issue ... right after they have visited the NRA Pro Golf Invitational in the Bahamas. Flights to be provided by Gulfstream and Altria Air.

God bless America

Lord ... Hear our prayers!

MIAMI, March 29 — The disgraced Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to nearly six years in federal prison today for his role in a fraud scheme involving the purchase of a cruise ship line.

The “Love Boat” Lobbyist” (As I like to call him) told the court "In the past two years, I've started the process of becoming a new man, chastened," Mr. Abramoff said, asking the judge to "forgive my trespasses."

Oh boy! Give me a f**king break!

Obviously God must have heard his sincere prayers of forgiveness, because the sentence was the lowest possible punishment under federal guidelines.

We can only pray that his cellmate will be named Bubba, and have a penchant for shirtless David Hasselhoff posters.

Amen Lord ... Amen

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Jesus always bets on black

March 28, 2006
A Texas prosecutor rejected a request by watchdog groups to investigate whether Christian activist Ralph Reed violated lobbying-registration laws, removing a potential headache for Reed in his campaign for lieutenant governor of Georgia.

Travis County Attorney David Escamilla cited a two-year statute of limitations on misdemeanors. Which in English means: it’s not that he didn’t do something unbelievably corrupt, it’s just that too much time has past to nail this gigantic self-righteous pile of slime.

Some of you might know Ralph Reed as the former director of the Christian Coalition. During that time he made opposition to gambling a major plank in his "family values" agenda, calling gambling "a cancer on the American body politic" that was "stealing food from the mouths of children."

However, a federal investigation into lobbying abuses connected to gambling on Indian reservations has unearthed evidence that Reed was surreptitiously working for an Indian tribe with a large casino it sought to protect--and that Reed was paid with funds laundered through two firms to try to keep his lucrative involvement secret.

After leaving the Christian Coalition, Reed is famous for being a highly paid lobbyist for Enron. Then he went on to help smear John McCain during the South Carolina primary. Now he is running for office himself, which goes to show one thing. The only thing that can end a career in politics is being caught with a dead girl or a live boy.

Did I mention that Reed is a steaming pile of hypocritical dog crap?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Would you like Dewine with your dinner?

COLUMBUS, Ohio, March 25 -- Sen. Mike DeWine (R-Ohio) wants you to know he is not President Bush, whose popularity has plummeted.

Nor is he Ohio Gov. Bob Taft, who was fined for taking unreported gifts.
Or Texas Rep. Tom DeLay, who is under indictment.
Or Ohio Rep. Robert W. Ney, who is under investigation.

"Look, it's a tough climate," said DeWine, a battle-tested campaigner who remains undeterred. “I would much rather be compared to someone like Olympic champion Anton Apolo Ohno. I’m quick off the line, and I’ll get the job done … minus that strange chin beard thing.”

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I want my MTV

DOHA (AFP) - The much-hyped launch of Arabic satellite television Al-Jazeera's English-language channel will be delayed until later this year, the group's director general said.

The startup of Al-Jazeera International, which had been expected sometime in the northern spring, "has been delayed, probably to the summer... for technical reasons," Al-Jazeera Satellite Network director general Wadah Khanfar told AFP Thursday.

Although Khanfar remained tight lipped, some rumors blame the delay on the placement of the 24 hour news network here in the states. Apparently they have been given the channel between The Home Shopping Network and Playboy TV.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The fox is watching the hen house

WASHINGTON, March 22 — Stimulants like Ritalin lead a small number of children to suffer hallucinations that usually feature insects, snakes or worms, according to federal drug officials, and a panel of experts said on Wednesday that physicians and parents needed to be warned of the risk.

The consensus move by the Food and Drug Administration's pediatric advisory committee said that Ritalin and other drugs for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder should not carry strong "black-box" warnings about potential cardiovascular and psychiatric risks.

I would like to know what drugs the FDA panel members are taking. Perhaps it is just money that they are taking. After all it is not a secret that the vast majority of FDA members used to work for the major drug companies. I am sure that is not a conflict of interest at all. I seriously wonder how many children of FDA panel members are on Ritalin.

Since Ritalin was first approved in the 1950's, stimulants to treat attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity have become among the most widely prescribed medicines in the world. In the United States alone, about 2.5 million children and 1.5 million adults take them; as many as 10 percent of boys ages 10 to 12 do

"The drugging of children has gotten so out of hand that America is waking up to this. This is a national catastrophe. I'm seeing children who are normal who are on five psychiatric drugs." Peter R. Breggin, M.D. Director, International Center for the Study of Psychiatry and Psychology.

Okay boys and girls ... Let’s not forget all the other great drugs that the FDA has approved over the years:

Vioxx, Celebrex, Bextra (Anti-inflammatory drugs) - associated with an increased risk of serious cardiovascular events (heart attacks and strokes) especially when they are used for long periods of time

Based on a trial that took place in 2000, both the FDA and Merck were aware that heart attacks were five times more likely in patients taking Vioxx than among those taking a similar drug, Sen. Grassley pointed out, but the FDA did nothing to change the labeling on the drug for nearly two years, while Merck aggressively marketed its product on nightly TV.

Accutane – (Acne drug also given to kids) Linked to over a hundred adolescent suicides and multiple reports of depression, Birth defects, Bone and joint damage, hair loss and the list goes on.

Crestor (Used to lower cholesterol levels) - risks of kidney failure and a rare muscle disease

Meridia (Weight loss drug) - has cardiovascular side effects

Serevent (Asthma medication) – *You have to love this one* increases the risk of dying of asthma

Fen Phen (Weight loss) – depression, anxiety and heart problems

Ephedra (weight loss) - has been linked with illness and death


... and to add insult to injury:

There is also a statute that limits lawsuits against drug makers for defective drugs when the drugs have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I have a bridge to sell you.

NEW YORK (March 21) - In 17 years of working in the darkened nooks and crannies of the city's bridges, Joe Vaccaro has made some unusual finds. However, none of them matched the level of intrigue generated by another discovery he and his co-workers made in the Brooklyn Bridge.

As they made their way through the musty, dusty and dark structural foundations on the bridge's Manhattan side last week, they discovered a Cold War-era cache of provisions to have been used in the wake of a nuclear attack: some 350,000 packaged crackers, paper blankets, metal drums for water and medical supplies.

Department of Transportation officials, who control the bridge, did not want the exact location of the items publicized, citing security reasons.

Okay ... is it just this reporter ... or does anyone else find it strange that part of the "structural foundation" of the Brooklyn Bridge has gone unchecked for over fifty fucking years? This is an amazing example of the Department of Homeland Security and your tax dollars hard at work. I am surprised they would even let this story get out. When this reporter tried to reach Michael Chertoff, the Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security, he offered this answer.

"Due to budget issues and a lack of available funds, some areas of the Brooklyn Bridge were left in a lowered state of security. Rather than the Code Red used in high traffic areas, this "structural foundation" area was in Code Rose Pedal." "However, despite this lowered state of readiness, no one should assume that this area was not being watched." "Special Homeland Security agents disguised as sea gulls (pictured below) are on duty 24/7/365, keeping all the main access points to NYC safe at all times."

I don't know about you folks ... but this native NYC cub reporter will sleep a lot better knowing Michael Chertoff and the rest of the Homeland Security flock are hard at work.


The bullsh*t banner of Fox News has officially been outdone. They obviously have some great news programs in Ireland. Long live Sky News!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Yummy yummy ... put it in my tummy!

(March 17) - Federal drug enforcement agents in Northern California shut down an elaborate "marijuana candy" factory that produced drug-laced snacks called Rasta Reece's, Pot Tarts, and other parodies of popular products.

Police chief Martin Blowhard of Humboldt County made a statement to reporters yesterday morning. He said, "This kind of subversive behavior is the hidden underbelly of society that no one wants to talk about."... "This dangerous and diabolical activity is found in places that only trained police officers would think to look." He continued, "You could be living next to this evil scum and not even know it!"

Pictured below is the house where the trained police officers "took down" the culprits.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Hide and Seek

(March 17) -- Government investigators conducting undercover tests at 21 U.S.airports were able to get bomb materials through screening machines at all of them, ABC News has learned.

Investigators were able to get components for improvised explosive devices through airport security, but the Transportation Security Administration called the study "highly implausible."

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) was created in response to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 as part of the Aviation and Transportation Security Act signed into law by President George W. Bush on November 19, 2001.

TSA director Kip Hawley stated to reporters that although this might look bad, there was some good news to report. “Almost every passenger trying to get a loose joint through the metal detectors was busted and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”

He went on to say that many airline passengers were pleased with the screening process. Chuck Smith of Okeedokie MN said, "I am so glad we are taking the fight to the terrorists!" In addition, Kip Hawley provided rare photographic proof that many passengers actually enjoy the screening procedure. He pointed out in this TSA photo, "This woman is very obviously experiencing an orgasm as a result of her pat down."

Closing the barn door after the horse has run away.

The 2004 election was lost, and a bum sits in the White House. However, I will never regret making this spot for the "Bush in 30 seconds" contest. We only had a week to make it, but in the end it was fun. I also got the chance to meet 30-40 great people who came out on a cold weekend to speak their mind. I am extremely honored to have worked with you all on this, and I only wish I could have included you all.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

She'll go apartheid on your ass!

WASHINGTON (March 15) - Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she and former Justice Sandra Day O'Connor have been the targets of death threats from the "irrational fringe" of society, people apparently spurred by Republican criticism of the high court.

The death threats, which appeared on the Internet called for the immediate "patriotic" killing of the two justices. In a speach last month in South Africa, she detailed the threats. She countered by promising that if anyone tried anything funny, she and Sandra Day O'Conner (Both in their 70s) would tag team their pathetic conservative asses. She added ... "After we finish with you, you'll wish your mom had aborted you at birth."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Finger lickin' good!

BAKU, Azerbaijan (March 14, 2006) - Three young women in Azerbaijan have died from suspected bird flu, taking the death toll from the virus beyond 100.

In celebration of this milestone, Kentucky Fried Chicken announced a special limited time offer. A free breast with every small box of Popcorn Chicken or Buffalo Chicken Snacker.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Fun with food

New Animal Found: The Furry Lobster

PARIS - A team of American-led divers has discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific that resembles a lobster and is covered with what looks like silky, blond fur, French researchers said Tuesday.
This “Furry Lobster” is pictured below.

Seemingly jealous, the bearded clam (No picture available) was asked for a official comment. It’s response was: “This is bulls**t! ARGH $%#@”

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Duck! ... I mean Quail!

Several severe storms and violent tornados hit the Midwest this week without much warning.
Pictured here: Ryan Morrison helps a resident of St. Mary, Mo., clear the debris out of her home.

"The storm was really bad." Ryan told us as he gently wiped away the tears ... "but it didn't cause nearly as much damage as the Cheney quail hunting party that rolled through afterwards."

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Which one is the bigger crook?

A former top White House aide was arrested on Thursday in the Maryland suburbs on charges that he stole merchandise from a number of retailers, the police in Montgomery County, Md., said Friday.

A former top White House aide was arrested on Thursday in the Maryland suburbs on charges that he stole merchandise from a number of retailers, the police in Montgomery County, Md., said Friday.

He would buy items, take them out to his car and return to the store with the receipt," the police said in the statement. "He would select the same items he had just purchased and then return them for a refund."

I was trying to think what might have given him away. Was it the items that he chose to return that drew unusual attention?




Friday, March 10, 2006

God save the Queen

LONDON, March 10 — John Profumo, whose high-flying political career ended in a Cold War scandal of sex and espionage that gave way to a lifetime of atonement, died at around midnight on Thursday, according to a statement from London's Chelsea and Westminster hospital today.

The guy was 91 when he died. I guess eating your vegetables is not the definitive secret to long life.
His gravestone wil read: "He was a naughty bugger, but died with a big smile on his face."
Hail Britannia ... Britannia rules the waves ... Britons will never be slaves. Unless it involves light spanking!
Wink Wink ... Nudge Nudge ... Say no more!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Who's your daddy?

In 2006 we would like to pay tribute to George W. Bush.
The only American president in more back pockets than we are.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Orbitz lowest fares to Gitmo. This week only!

GUANTANAMO BAY NAVAL BASE, Cuba (March 4) - Offering a glimpse into the top-secret world of Guantanamo Bay, the Pentagon has released the names and home countries of many detainees who have been held at the isolated military prison for up to four years.

Some of the names which stood out:

Sydney Biddle Barrows (Amsterdam)
Todd Bridges (USA)
Roman Polanski (France)
Leif Garrett (USA)
Osama Smith (Afghanistan)
Randy "Duke" Cunningham (USA)

Friday, March 03, 2006

Screw the joystick ... give that boy an AR-15

An ultra-violent video game known as 25 to Life has been released by the video giant Eidos. In this game, marketed to our children, players can assume the role of a gang member who is encouraged to execute drive-by shootings of police officers and to use civilians as human shields.

Why waste all the aggression and excellent hand-eye coordination? Save your pocket money boys and girls. George Bush will be happy to give you a fully automatic assault rifle for free. He will put you to work in his "War on Terror". After you get a few rounds in the ass, you will be begging to have PAC-MAN and DONKEY KONG back.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


My understanding was that we broke away from England because we were sick of being ruled by idiot sons. Bush has lived a life of failure. He put not one, but three oil companies out of business. He ran the Texas Ranger organization into the ground. He ran the whole state of Texas into the ground. Now he is going to run this country into the ground.
What will be his punishment for all this failure? He will be paid $50,000+ a speech to talk to the Christian Coalition and Focus on the Family. Chertoff should be forced to live and work out of a mold ridden house in the 9th ward. If there is a God, I bet he has a special placed lined up for these two guys.
We spend our lives focused on celebrities ballroom dancing, and who the Bachelor will pick. What people should focus on more often is a newspaper. The average Joe in this country spends their time reading about who Lindsay Lohan is screwing, or what Britney is doing to her baby. Even Brad Pitt and Angelina would tell you that you are an ass to be so interested in their lives. They would tell you to start worrying about your own lives, and the lives of your friends and family.
What your punishment will be, is poverty and debt for your children ... and their children. Death and mutilation of your relatives in the military. Maybe if you are very lucky you will get your frequent shoppers card for Walmart.
Time to wake up and smell the coffee and all the bullshit going down right now. Time to get informed and THEN GO VOTE. It is 2006 and there are elections this year. It's time to stick your head out of the window and yell "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore".
Life is not about how many songs you have in itunes. It's not about keeping up with Hillary Duff's wardrobe. It's about using your life to make a change. You might die tomorrow, or you might simply die a little bit every day of the rest of your life. Either way, guys like Bush and Chertoff couldn't care less.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Valentines Day is 365

Survival of the fittest?

When asked about the Cheney quail hunting accident Ted Nugent responded "Was he a Democrat?"

I think it was a really good thing that Cheney skipped out on military service 5 times. He might have brought all new meaning to the term "Friendly Fire".

Hunters are pathetic ... Quail hunters make hunters look good. It's amazing how they talk about how beautiful the animals are, right before they fill them with lead. If you want to hunt ... go out and bring your fingernails and your teeth with you.

Somehow I think even Charles Darwin would have been ashamed!

I think Monty Python said it best in their sketch "Mosquito Hunters"
Hank: Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like.

I wonder if this guy is still alive

I went on AOL today and I saw a link about the current situation in Iraq. The country seems on the brink of civil war with multiple riots and bombs going off.
I am especially interested because my uncle is now it western Iraq. I worry about him even though he could seriously kick my ass and the three people sitting next to me.
I saw this picture of this poor man. He has obviously lost one or both arms and is bleeding massively. I wonder if he is still alive, and I wonder if he is still pissed off about the Monica Lewinski scandal.

You really have to love a woman in uniform

-Fluent in Russian
-Soul Sister
-Cold War politician
-Can drive a tank

God this woman is too sexy!