Sunday, August 27, 2006

Fair and Balanced Freedom

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip - Militants have freed two Fox News journalists on Sunday in the Gaza Strip. This action ends a nearly two week hostage drama in which one of the former captives said they were forced at gunpoint to make statements, including that they had converted to Islam.

Fox News journalists Olaf Wiig, 36, from New Zealand, right, and Steve Centann (center above) are seen with Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh.

The militant captors made a brief statement shortly after Wiig and Centann’s release. In it, their leader said that they had all come to a realization. It was this insight that finally motivated the release of the hostages. "Anyone working for Fox News could do more damage to America than any three terrorists we have out there right now."

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Plaza Hotel never looked so good

Here in NYC we never get lost because our street signs are so good.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Today it's your Birthday

If you were born today, you share a birthday with:

Valerie Harper from the hit 70's TV show "Rhoda"

Musician and vocalist Tori Amos

Norman Schwarzkopf from The Gulf War

Cindy Williams from "Happy Days"

Which just goes to show that when you were born has nothing to do with how you turn out.


Monday, August 21, 2006

Far Out

WASHINGTON, Aug. 21 - Federal drug regulators have ordered that strong warnings be put on the labels of stimulants like Ritalin to caution against their use in adults or children with heart problems and to alert doctors that the drugs cause one child in a thousand to experience hallucinations.

With over 4 million children in the US now on Ritalin, 4000 children reacted to the news by staring blankly at their jello dessert and then asking their mom to take the worms out of their hair.

The drug problem in this country now comes complete with a prescription.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Bon Appétit

Sunday August 20,2006 - John Mark Karr, the new suspect in the death of 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey, made his way today to the United States via Thai Airways. Before takeoff, Karr took a glass of champagne from a flight attendant and clinked glasses with Boulder County investigator Mark Spray, who sipped orange juice.

Dinner on board, served on a white tablecloth with silverware, was one many passengers would envy. Karr started with a pate, and then had a green salad with walnut dressing. The main course was fried king prawn with steamed rice and broccoli, followed by a slice of Valrhona chocolate cake for desert. Karr drank a beer, crushing the can with his hands when it was empty, then moved on to a glass of French chardonnay with his main course.

As I read this story, I was so happy to hear our tax dollars continue to be spent well. It really made my Stouffer’s deluxe French bread pizza taste that much better. I think I am going to pour a glass of Pinot Noir.

Is it just me ...Or does anyone else find the thought of clinking glasses with a sex change wanting pedophile who strangles little girls somewhat unappetizing?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Air Scare

Los Angeles – Hundreds of travelers were evacuated from LAX terminals early Monday after baggage screeners raised an alert. They identified a passenger on Alaska Airlines that has a “suspicious package”.

In the end, it just turned out to be porn star Ron Jeremy.

Garry Trudeau in true form


Sunday, August 13, 2006

"Support our Troops"

About 30 percent of the 700,000 soldiers who served in the first Gulf War still suffer mysterious illnesses. For those of you without a calculator handy, that would be 210,000 soldiers. Let's say that number all together now ... 210,000 US troops. Yeah … the same ones that the Republicans hold in such high regard. The very same guys and gals made famous by the ribbon magnets war supporters wear on the trunks of their cars.

The symptoms of this "unknown" sickness can include massive bleeding from the gums, migraine headaches, tumors of all kinds, blood in urine and stool samples and severe skin rashes. Depleted uranium has long been suspected as the primary cause, and certainly a possible contributor.

Depleted uranium is the garbage left from producing enriched uranium for nuclear weapons and energy plants. It is 60 percent as radioactive as natural uranium. Some genius at the Pentagon decided that coating all our anti-tank shells and our tank armor was a really good idea.

A shell coated with depleted uranium pierces a tank like a hot knife through butter, exploding on impact into a charring inferno. As tank armor, it repels artillery assaults. It also leaves behind a fine radioactive dust with a half-life of 4.5 billion years. Yes folks … that’s billion with a big old “B”.

Iraqi doctors have reported significant increases in birth defects and childhood cancers after the 1991 US invasion, when bombs with depleted uranium were used in large amounts.

It took the Pentagon 25 years to acknowledge that Agent Orange -- a corrosive defoliant used to melt the jungles of Vietnam -- was linked to severe illnesses and birth defects. It took over 40 years for us to admit what we had done to the Marshall Islands from our radioactive testing blasts in the 1940s. The Marshall Islands used to be one of the most beautiful places on the face of the earth.

Just so you are not left thinking that we are the only idiots on the block, the French do all of their nuclear testing in a tiny little place called the French Polynesian Islands.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Election Update

As of 10:00pm EST Joseph Lieberman lagged with 48 percent, or 70,337 votes, to political novice Ned Lamont's 52 percent, or 76,347 votes, with 55 percent of precincts reporting.

An important message has just been sent out, when a Democrat who strongly supports the Iraq War has this much trouble maintaining his Senate seat. I think we will see more of this type of sentiment as the 2006-midterm elections continue.

I have little doubt in my mind that Joe will now run as an independent and win, but he will have to do it with Republican votes.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Because they would have wanted it that way

Just when you thought we had reached the absolute limits of tasteless, and just in time for the fifth anniversary of September 11th, the National Collectors Mint has produced the 9/11 commemorative gold piece.

The Twin Towers majestically stand again, in .999 pure silver that was recovered from a bank vault found under the debris at Ground Zero. The skyline featuring the World Trade Center is struck separately and fitted into the coin's background. This World Trade Center skyline can be removed and inserted into a slot on the face of the commemorative.

I think I am going to be sick.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The antidote for civilization

With violence in Iraq at an all time high, and the political situation on the border of Israel and Lebanon falling apart, our intrepid leader has made an important decision. He is after all "The Decider".

With an eye on political reality, President Bush is going to be spending just 10 nights at his Texas ranch, rather than the whole month of August.