Love me ... or else.

In the year 1964, the Beatles released their sixth British single entitled "Can't Buy Me Love". Fittingly enough, the song found on the B-side was "You Can't Do That". Obviously the Beatles were trying to say that money does not make someone really love you. It might help certain situations or buy many things, but it will never buy what was meant to be free.

Often when I think of the word "free", I also think of "free will".

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines "free will" as 1) A voluntary choice or decision ... or 2) Freedom of humans to make choices that are not determined by prior causes or by divine intervention.

Does that intervention always have to be divine? No it does not. Throughout time, and often in political situations, we see other types of "intervention" that influences major decisions. Often that "intervention" comes in the form of a threat.

What happens when that "intervention" or threat entwines itself with the emotions and experience of "love"? Can we threaten someone into loving us? Can we use threats to get what we want from a relationship? If we do, will that person love us more of less?

Here is a true story:

One of my good friends was dating a woman for a little over a year, and they had just started to live together. At some point she came to him and said that she wanted to get married. He had a good job, but was not quite comfortable with where he was financially, and he told her that he was unsure about making such a big decision at that moment. He loved her very much, but did not want to take on a commitment that he could not fully live up to.

When she heard his decision, she decided that they would split up. Within a very short period of time had moved in with another guy. Although she was romantically involved with this new man, she had very little connection with him, and made a concerted effort to make this relationship known to her ex.

My friend was broken up. He felt betrayed, and his whole personality changed from one of a happy go lucky guy to a quiet and reserved soul. He was full of anger, resentment and sadness. He was like a trained and broken dog with his tail between his legs.

After several weeks of madness, he contacted her and begged for her to return to him. She agreed, but only if she could get "the things that she wanted". Even though his personal situation had not changed, he could not take seeing this other man with his girlfriend and he caved in.

They are now married and have two children.

I want to hear what you think about these two. Is this the way love is meant to be? Do you believe that this technique for "getting what you want" is an ethical one? Would he have been better off with someone else?

What do you think of him?
(Someone who has trouble pulling the trigger)
What do you think of her?
(Someone who would hold his or her finger on the trigger)

I have my own opinion on this matter, but I really want to hear yours in the comments section please.

The love of your life

***Who or what is the love of your life?

It seems like an easy question … right?

For some, it might be their family. I certainly love my family more than I can properly describe. I would lay down my life for anyone of them in a second. Perhaps it is my British upbringing, but family is the most important bond in my life. However, love for family is a subject that seems very cut and dry for me.

Some people love their pets. For many people, their pets are their family. I definitely think that pets are the best way to teach a child to love. I know that my sense of love, in large part, comes from my childhood involvement with animals.




***Do we all have one single love of our lives or do we have many?

Some, like Romeo and Juliet might say, “Just one!” … Others have made the argument, like actor Nick Nolte, that “We have many in our lives, and therefore marriage is an unrealistic concept.”




Then again … Nick Nolte’s dates might have been checking out his mug shot (Above)

I would be foolish to say I had the answer to either of these questions. In fact, there is a good chance that the answer for both is different for different people.

I realized that this year marks the 20th year of my dating life. In those 20 years I have been “involved with dozens and dozens of women, but in that time I have only had a few “loves”.

The first, was a girl I met at Northwestern University named Ariana. She was my first love at the age of sixteen. I thought she was very beautiful, and she certainly made my heart skip a beat or two. Although she was an amazing girl, I believe the strength of our relationship was mainly based on how new everything was for both of us. However, for most of us, our first love is often doomed because it comes at a very early age.

My second “love”, was most likely the strongest love of my life to date. Her name was Tricia, and I met her at a University in Connecticut. In her, I felt that I had found a soul mate. Not only did I find her to be very beautiful, but I also thought she was one of the smartest and most engaging people I had ever met. Unfortunately, with the great highs also came great lows. Although the borders of our relationship are hard to define, we saw each other for quite a long time.

I think there were several things that defined my love for Tricia. For starters, I often had a strong feeling, or longing, to protect her. This is the same feeling I have with members of my family. This made her seem like family to me, and she is still the only person I have ever considered as a candidate for marriage. This need to protect and to care for someone or something, is without a doubt, the feeling I most often find synonymous with love. In light of the drama in our eventful relationship, perhaps some would argue that it was protection from her that I really needed.




One interesting thing to me was that she often accused me of overusing the word “love”. When I was with Tricia I often looked at her and thought to myself, “God … I love this girl”. When I felt that in my heart, I often felt the need to put it in words. I am sure I used the phrase “I love you” many times, but I have never been guilty of carelessly throwing it around at the risk of cheapening it’s meaning. Since my relationship with her, I have never used that phrase with another girlfriend. I wonder if she can truly say the same.

Since then, I have seen many girls. The lion’s share of them have been casual relationships for reasons I have blogged about in the past. However, there have been one or two who cracked the ice a bit. For example, in my late twenties I worked with a girl named Erica. There was something about her that was very special. She was one of a small handful who made me want to “give it another try”. Although I never successfully had any type of romantic relationship with her, I know that she had an impact on me.

A good example of that is this: I called her one night and asked her to have dinner with me. She gave me a fairly luke warm, “I am very busy this week”. I decided I would make lemonade with those lemons, and it was that night that I gave up cigarettes.

I am now trying to find these type of feelings again, and I am making changes in the girls that I now see. I will have to wait and see if lightning strikes twice.

Enough about me! I am anxious to hear about what experiences you all have all had in this arena. Who do you consider the “love of your life”? What run-ins have you had with this four letter word called “love”

"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one other person."
-My fortune cookie from dinner