Monday, December 11, 2006

Way off course

For quite a while now, I have not felt completely well physically . Fittingly, it would seem that it took me giving up just about every vice I had (drinking ... smoking) for my health to diminish. Perhaps I shouldn't have listened to the doctors who told me to follow the staright and narrow path.

Although I have better days than others, I often feel like a sailing ship that is half capsized. I am not underwater by any means, but I am severely listing to one side or another. It often keeps me from doing the things I love, and from being my true self in many ways.

As a result, I often feel bitter and angry that I cannot always operate in the capacity that I would like to. This frustration often leads to other things, including reckless behavior. Behavior that is reckless to myself, and it would seem, sometimes reckless to the people around me.

The other night I was forced to realize that I have been reckless with the trust of someone who means a great deal to me. I had ignorantly assumed that my own recklessness would not affect the people around me … and I was wrong. This person has never been anything but good to me, and I returned this favor with cavalier actions.

I value … or valued … trust a great deal, and this desertion of my own values was not a good sign. I have never felt like a hypocrite quite the way I did just recently.

To be hurt really sucks. I, like most of you, know this from experience. We often build elaborate walls around ourselves to protect us from outside harm. However, I think we often overlook our ability to carelessly harm others in the process.

I have certainly become guilty of this, and for this I am truly sorry.

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Blogger ko said...

the first step is acknowledging the selfishness...the second is forgiving yourself.
You are human.
Once you let go of the ego-
both the desire to be selfish and the desire to be overly critical of self-
you can be aware and are then less likely to repeat the behavior.
Don't be too hard on yourself!
We all make mistakes...

6:28 PM  
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9:18 PM  
Blogger the fourth person said...

sorry you are feeling off center. I am glad you are taking steps to take better care of yourself. having given up those things you listed as well as a long list of others i know it is difficult.

and yes, make amends as needed and let yourself off the hook.
having had less than adequate parenting i told myself if i am going to make screw up royally i damn well better learn from it.

for what it is worth.


8:18 PM  
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11:57 PM  

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