Sunday, June 04, 2006


After many weeks of waiting patiently, I finally received my latest issue of Today’s Communist in the mail today. It seems that Russia is going to spend $185 billion on its weapons program from next year to 2015. This information comes from their Defense Minister Sergei Ivanov, who was quoted by the Interfax news agency.

I read this article, and the first thing I thought of was how I might be able to help. Perhaps there was some way I could contribute, if only in some small way. What would be the purely altruistic thing to do? I came to the conclusion that it would be good to get one of those poor Russians over here to the relatively passive United States of America.

How could I best do this?

The answer is really quite simple. I need to find myself a Russian mail order bride.

After all, I have started to look for that special woman, and this would kill two birds with one stone. Plus, how much trouble could one of these Russian women really be?

I have spent the last 20 minutes probing the usual web sites. Anastasiaweb, and the ever popular Volgagirl.

The first thing I noticed is that almost every young lady is named Svetlana or Inna. I guess Svetlana is their version of Jennifer or Lisa. The second thing was that all these chicks come from the Ukraine. My understanding was that these girls were from Russia. Whatever.

I have narrowed my lifelong search down to three very special women. My feelings run so deep for these women that I cannot possibly narrow the search any further. I love them all so much; it is impossible to be impartial. I really can’t decide myself. I thought I could ask your help in picking out the next Mrs. Matthes.

Love of my life #1
Name: Svetlana
Location for the time being: Kherson, Ukraine

What she wants: (Like it matters) “I want my man will be able to give me the ability to feel that I'm a real woman. He give me things and I give him everything. I need find a man with a strong personality, with gentle and passionate heart, with kindness in his eyes. I know you are waiting for me to take me into the world of love!”

Love of my life #2
Name: Svetlana
Location for the time being: Simferopol, Ukraine

What she is looking for: “I want he has good plans for the future and I want he is serious. I want he is going to have a strong relationship and he understands. I like dynamical way of life. I can go on compromises. I make good borscht, and I like to eat man.

Love of my life #3
Name: Svetlana
Location for the time being: Kharkov, Ukraine

What she is like: “My friends say that I communicative and I easily getting along with many people. Sometimes my tender boobies fall out of top, and I say Whoopsie!”

Give each one a little time to grow on you. Swish each one around in your mouth for a little while. It’s all come down to this moment people. My life is in your hands.

BRS 0.5
TBJ 2.0
BO 9.0
TBDR 12.0


Blogger LaineyWorld said...

Peter, Peter, Peter. *sigh* I can make this all so much easier for you. If you're feeling altruistic, you can help me finish paying for my schooling and pack my lunch for me every day. And Colorado is much closer than Russia/Ukraine if you're really serious about finding a special woman. You wont have to worry about that pesky entry visa or that you're being scammed for a green card. And dont forget about those magic brownies I mentioned in a previous comment. My cooking is da bomb-diggity

12:33 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

I say take all three, move to Bountiful, British Columbia or that other place in Arizona where the illsuion of being a polygamist is given moral support (don't forget to convert to fundametalist Mormon while flying from Ukraine with a bouncing babe on each knee -- I hope you have three!) and live happily ever after. The end. :)

1:25 AM  
Blogger EmmaK said...

The NEXT Mrs Matthes? How many have there been Peter? About these Russian lovelies, I think it's pretty much a guarantee that once they are here, married to you and have green card you won't see them for dust. Strangely enough, there are still those that see America as the promised land :)

8:36 AM  
Blogger anne altman said...

Does it bother you that #3's head appears to have been cut/pasted on her body?

I'm suspicious. What if she shows up and her head is really a basketball, or a pumpkin, or a pin or something.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

No ... I love her.

It's not what has been Photoshoped. It's what's inside that counts.

3:21 PM  
Blogger the fourth person said...

You get the borsht of her love

4:49 PM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

Are you saying she can't be beet?

5:24 PM  
Blogger Dreamlover said...

Oh Peter, change the color of my skin and my hair, and my name to Svetlana, and my accent, and we can pretend i'm Russian!!


5:30 PM  
Blogger grumpygirl said...

i choose svetlana #1; we redheads gotta stick together.

11:36 PM  
Blogger The Lone Beader said...

#3 doesn't look cut/pasted to me. But, not sure...Anyways, I would choose her because she doesn't sound as needy as the others. LOL!!

1:28 PM  
Blogger Shadowspun said...

Yeah, just make sure #3 has a shirt that covers her when her boobies start falling out, else she'll be needing bail money more than anything else.

7:54 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Is this like walmart? If you don't like her after you buy can you return her for a full refund?

Number 3..

2:03 PM  
Blogger Zohreh said...

I liked dusty's comment.

Well i think you shold go with first one.

God knows she really wants what she wrote or not, but it might worth to try

Good luck :)

11:59 PM  
Blogger Zohreh said...

By the way, what will be the name of your baby then? Svetlana or Jennifer? ;)

12:00 AM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...




8:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home