Sunday, May 28, 2006

One toasted lemon poppy please!

DALLAS (May 27) – Ian Walker (Below left) and Joseph Tellini (Below right) have been charged with delivering marijuana-spiked muffins to a teachers lounge in a senior prank that sent 18 people to the hospital and triggered an FBI and terrorism investigation.

When Lake Highlands High School employees ate the muffins, they began complaining of nausea, lightheadedness and headaches. Employees began to get suspicious when the 86-year-old receptionist Rita Greenfield couldn’t stop giggling and had to be taken to the hospital.

The FBI came to the school to test for a possible chemical or biological attack. The joint terrorism task force found that terrorism was not involved (These guys are good), but they determined that the muffins contained marijuana. They also turned up a surveillance video of the boys delivering the ganja muffins.

Apparently Bin Laden has had many plans to taint the food supply of this country with dangerous levels of reefer. However, his plans seem to involve bagels so as to ensure Jews as a heavily affected group.

Ian Walker and Joseph Tellini were each charged with five felony counts of assault on a public servant, each of which carries penalties of two to 10 years in prison.

So … rest easy good Americans. These guys might still be free as birds. However, the next time you step foot on a plane, or make your way to the top of a skyscraper for that morning meeting, there is one thing you can count on. The muffins you will encounter are safe and FBI approved.

I am starting to think that when Bush and Cheney said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, they must have meant muffins. Perhaps they were right, and Saddam just ate them.


Blogger DJEB said...

I could believe those muffins would cure nausea, but cause it? No way.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Dreamlover said...

That kinda sucks for those 2 boys lives to be ruined witha stupid prank, which comeon now, isn't that bad!!

10:41 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

Hi Peter. Your blog is a ton-o-fun to read. I haven't discovered such a varied, punchy, thought-provoking and visual blog (all at once!) in awhile. I'll be back!

11:29 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ah, the face of evil. Those 2 drug pushers may have an innocent look about them, but I know a terrorist when I see one. Thank God for the Patriot Act!

11:35 AM  
Blogger LaineyWorld said...

I guess this means my taking magic brownies to my next company potluck is out of the question. *sigh*

12:41 PM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

Wow ... Thank you Andrea.

If you E-mail me Lainey, I can help you get rid of those naughty groovy brownies ASAP. That's what friends are for.

There is a saying ... A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body ... or groovy brownies.

2:11 PM  
Blogger grumpygirl said...

djeb, pot makes me nauseous and feeling completely out-of-body. last time i needed to be babysat. i'm a lot of fun at parties

4:18 PM  
Blogger grumpygirl said...

and, i forgot to mention that that teenagers were total idiots. how do people get so stupid?

4:19 PM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

Alyssa: I would guess Kona Gold (My Favorite) or Juicy Fruit.

Hmm ... Maybe Skullduggery.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Seamus said...

Could you please pass the muffins! :P

7:01 PM  
Blogger geeksters said...

What a funny joke and what a terrible punishment. Hopefully those kids get some killer lawyers.

I went to court last year to watch a 30-something woman be sentenced for walking (yes walking, she was drunk and high and probably had no idea what she was doing) into a convenience store with her hand in her pocket and saying she had a gun. She got to three years less a day. But a guy that abused his five-year-old son and took him along to a drug deal only got two years. Gotta love the justice system.

12:44 AM  
Blogger anne altman said...

why'd they waste all that weed and not just go the ex-lax route?

1:31 PM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

I know ... right?

What about the old Visine in the coffee trick?

The whole story just makes me want to bake some muffins dammit.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

Seamus ... Are we related?

3:41 PM  
Blogger kate said...

funny that we (our government)worry about this kind of thing... to this degree, yet we are willing to sell our ports to known terroristic groups just because they may be the highest bidders! dont even get me started!!

7:35 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Aw man, bastards are going to destroy those kids entire life for that. I bet they get the "You coulda killed somebody" speach from every dickwad cop they come into contact with.

3:08 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home